Jokesters

    Connor has been enthusiastically telling us jokes lately. He is so excited about them and laughs so heartily after delivering his punch line that I don't have the heart to tell him they don't make any sense whatsoever and are nowhere near a real joke. Yesterday's joke was "How did the turtle get to the other tree? By going THROUGH the tree!" and then gleeful laughter followed. I gave an obliging laugh the first time, then had to endure the same joke twenty more times.

   So we decided to try to help him. I looked up a few age appropriate jokes and told them to him. Some he got. Some he didn't. But he had so much fun with it! His favorite one that he's now got on Repeat is, "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs!"

   My favorite one that I have shared with all my poor coworkers is, 'Knock, knock. Who's there? Smell Mop.'

    Go ahead.

    Smell Mop Who??

Selfies

   I'm sure I've mentioned before that the kids get a hold of my camera now and then. I love going through the photos and either laughing at some, or being amazed at their point of view.

   This time I found these.

                  "This is going to be a good one. I can tell."

                 "UGH, I look so lame!"

              "Maybe I should get closer."

                   "Closer....."

                "That's the stuff."

             "YES! I did it! Got a great selfie!"

              "Wait, better be a little more professional. Tone down the crazy."

              "Here I am, completely impressed with my skillz."

                        

 

Hooligans

   The adventures never stop. A few nights ago I pulled into the drive after a closing shift. When I opened the garage door I discovered a nice little surprise. A toilet. Not a new one, in a box, no. Our toilet. I sighed and left the van in the driveway, came in the house, and asked Rob if I even wanted to know what happened.

    He decided I did, and told me before I could run away.

   I guess the boys got together with the brilliant idea to flush a diaper. It was genius, really! Who wouldn't think that's a great idea?? The sound of the first flush alerted Rob to foul play. By the time he made it to the hallway to see the debacle, Connor was running for the hills and Max was desperately trying to hold the toilet seat down and the water in. Before Rob could make it to the bathroom for damage control, Max decided the wisest thing to do was really get rid of the evidence by flushing again. Rob said it was like watching a movie in slow motion. The water erupted out of the toilet like a fountain! It took him 6 bath towels to clean it up.

   The diaper was stuck in the gooseneck of the toilet and the only solution was to take the toilet out altogether. He would have been able to put it back in, but when he set it in the garage, it busted a bit. So. Brand new toilet!

   We needed one I guess. Thanks boys, for making home improvement immediate. At least they learned how to put in a new toilet.

  In other news! We took the boys bowling for the first time the other night! Connor absolutely loved it. Max liked it for a minute before he was bored out of his mind. We got one game in before we had to leave and make room for a league coming in. But one was enough for Max!

 

Max bumped his eye on a cart in Target and now has a black eye to go with his mushed fingers. The fingers are looking much better now!

 

 

 

This morning Connor came running into the living room. I was at the sink in the kitchen with my back to him, but he yelled, "MOM!! COMMENCE OPERATION I LOVE YOU!!" (They are a little obsessed with the Power Rangers) It was so sweet! So I turned around to give him a kiss, but this is what I saw.

 

 

    This is one of those days I'm incredibly thankful my father is down at the farm and not drinking coffee in my living room.

    So let's just wash all this down with a little cuteness, shall we? I find it helps.
    
            I'm sorry Bobbi, we've officially stolen B's sunglasses...

   Cheesing for the camera. She's actually saying cheeeeeeeeee!

   Really getting into it.

     Cow says moooooooooo.

 

 

Good vs Evil, in which evil might win.

  This has been an unfortunately eventful week. Especially for Max. First off, Connor swung a tension rod at Max and scratched his cornea pretty badly. Poor kid couldn't keep his eye open for more than a few seconds at a time. But by bedtime he was feeling alright and the next day was back to normal.

  Yesterday Connor got hold of the weed killer in our garage and sprayed Max... in the eyes.

   Hmm. I'm sensing a theme here.

  I think I'll strap safety glasses onto Max's head and tell him it's what Power Rangers wear to ensure they stay put. Or maybe a full-face helmet.

  Anyway, I rinsed his eyes as well as I could while he squirmed and fought to get away from the water, which is obviously MORE POISONOUS THAN WEED KILLER MOM!!!! He had red splotches from his eyes down to his cheeks before bed, but he could see just fine and his eyes weren't bothering him at all. And once again, thankfully, he's back to normal today.

   A few nights ago, the kids were in bed, the house was quiet, and I was settling into my bed with my laptop to update this here blog. I got my mug of steaming peppermint tea and poured it onto my stomach. Oh yeah, and onto my laptop. I guess I just felt like burning and screaming and killing an expensive piece of technology. I killed it dead. Fortunately, the hard drive is fine. My dear husband (Who completely ignored my cries of agony) just needs to transfer all my pictures and whatnots from it to his. And I'm not allowed to drink anything near a computer again.

   Thursday afternoon I got stung by a wasp at work. I was in drive-thru that day. I've never been stung by a bee before so didn't know how my body was going to respond. But nothing happened! Until 6 hours later when I got hit with dizziness and couldn't even stand up. My parents picked me up from work, practically carried me to the van, drove me home, and Rob helped me get to bed without throwing up. And then the next afternoon I was back to normal. Thank goodness all these awful things haven't lasted long.

   In the mean time we did crafty things...

 

 

And we bought tents. Connor wanted to sleep in his that night. After he fell asleep this is what I found:

 

 

And Maggie got a tent.

 

 

And we spent 10 minutes at the park before Max was walking around with butt cheeks clenched hollering "I NEED TO GO POOOOOPPPPYYYYYYY!"

 

 

And we started a new tradition with the boys snuggling up to me before bed telling me wild and imaginative bedtime stories. It helps me to forgive them for being insubordinate and crazy during the days. It makes me like them just a little bit again.

 

 

Just a little.

 

I'd say the week was balanced out pretty well. Nobody died. That's a plus.

 

Can I just say they're outgoing?

   We really do discipline our kids. I promise I'm not one of those moms who lets her kids run wild at all times and ignores every terrible thing they do.
  
   But people might think I am, based solely on their spasmodic slightly hyper activity and completely idiotic behavior.
  
   This weekend was the very first time I've ever spent apart from my boys.

   It was wonderful.
  
   They went to the farm with my parents early Friday morning, while Rob, Maggie and I spent a night in St George to visit my Gawda and my friend Bobbi. Thursday night I ordered pizza, since I'd been packing and cleaning all day and didn't want to cook. Before the delivery man showed up, I ran down to the laundry room in our basement to throw the clothes into the dryer. When I got back up the stairs, the delivery man had already shown up. I hadn't heard the doorbell.
  
   I really wish I had.

   When I reached the top of the stairs I saw the door wide open and Maggie standing in front of it with wide eyes, looking up at a stranger holding a pizza. Max was out on the front porch in his underwear of course trying to chit chat with him. CONNOR was climbing around in the man's beat up old VW bug.

   I couldn't believe it. Seriously. There have been two conversations that have been on repeat in this house for the past few weeks. One: DO NOT OPEN THE FRONT DOOR EVER EVER NEVER EVER FOR ANY REASON OR ANY PERSON.
 
  And two: STOP TALKING TO STRANGERS. STRANGER DANGER. STRANGERS ARE NOT OUR FRIENDS!!

  Number two came around after the 5,000,000th time Max tried to (and was usually successful) strike up a conversation with a random stranger in the aisle of a store. Seriously, the kid is never quiet. Ever. I literally have to tell him to close his mouth when I'm feeling the need to shave off my ears. And that only results in long drawn-out whimpering.

   Anyway. I apologized over and over again to the delivery man. I left him a profusely large tip. And then I waited until I was sure he and his VW were out of earshot before LOSINGMYMIND!!! I couldn't even deal with the what-ifs. I sent the boys to their room to cry it out before I called Rob to tell him what happened and that he was going to have to dole out some serious punishment when he got home, and then I told the boys that Daddy was going to spank them which made them cry even more, and then Daddy did spank them and had a very long talk again about strangers and the front door, and I hid under my covers in my bed.

   The next morning Max peed on a very nice suede accent pillow in his room before anyone was awake.
  
    Retaliation maybe?

  The kicker is this - While they were with my parents at the farm, they were perfect angels. They obeyed. They never complained. They didn't fight bedtime. They only peed and pooped in the toilet. They ate all their food. They didn't beat each other up.

   I asked mom if she'd be our nanny while I worked full-time instead.
  
   She hasn't really responded yet, so I'm sure she's thinking about it.

  

Goodbye Fall?

   I'm sitting here eating some home-made cinnamon raisin swirl toast for breakfast and looking out our living room window at the SNOW ON THE MOUNTAIN.
  
   Snow. Already. My body can't decide if it wants to be excited or slip into a light depression yet. I think I'll try to go for excitement, since we are supposed to be back to high 70's and low 80's by Sunday. We ran the heater last night. It's still on for the moment and it has that warm metallic smell that makes me want to knit scarves all day while curled up on the couch. Listening to Enya. Of course, there are no children in this daydream.

   Let's see, what's the latest adventures we've had? Oh yeah. Max shoved a rock up his nose a few days ago. I had a little panic attack when he came in telling me he couldn't get the rock out. But it came out just fine when I made him blow his nose into a Kleenex. Phew.
   And then Wednesday, Max (again) ((always?)), decided to pull a drawer halfway out of my very wide, very old, very heavy dresser and stand in it. Yeah, that sucker toppled. Maggie and Connor were his audience, but luckily they were far enough out of the way. When I ran in, Max was climbing out from under the mess unscathed. That was not a good moment for me. It brought flashbacks of speeding to Urgent Care with Connor in my arms in the backseat of the van. Remember?

 

I wish I'd gotten a picture of his profile so you could see how far his forehead protruded beyond his nose. That was a scary day.

 

Now that my bedroom door is kept locked all day long, I'm hoping to reduce the amount of damage that can be done. Maggie is the only one with a dresser, and when she is no longer in her crib at night, that thing is being bolted to the wall. I don't care how many holes we make.

 

Now I can't even see the mountain for the wall of snow that is coming our way.

 

And the flakes that are coming down in our yard now.

 

I don't think I'm very excited yet.

 

 

 

 

Today's Quotes

   Today my mom is baking a bunch of small pies for her coworkers. It's a perfect day for it, rainy and chilly. The oven is on, we're peeling apples, rainy day music is playing softly, and things are starting to smell delicious.
    While mom and I are slaving away, we're laughing at the boys' silly thoughts.

   Max, trying to get down from the island chairs, "Mom, you're squissing me!"
      "No I'm not, you're squishing yourself."
      "Oh... I am??"

  Max wanting to help me cut the apples, "Mommy, I can help you and I won't hurt myself."
       "No Bug, you can't help cut these. It's too dangerous."
 Rob says "Max, you can help cut the cheese."
      "SURE I can!! I can cut the cheese!"

    Connor getting confused about the fruit.
      "Grandma, are those peaches really hot?"
    "They are the hottest peaches. Just like Grandma! heh heh"
      "Yep, Grandma's one hot peach."

  Max broke his new toy gun (which he calls a pew-pew and we aren't not allowed to call it anything else).
     Connor tries to comfort him by telling him, "It's not broken, Max! It's just invisible!"

   Love my sweet boys.

Little Worm

   Connor is a lover of all things. He has a tender, tender heart. Max found a worm on the patio this morning and ran in to tell Connor about it. They both ran back out to have a look, and soon I hear Connor softly saying, "I love you little worm! I loooooove you little worm!"
   Then he came in to inform me he put the worm back in the grass where he lived.

    When I was his age, I remember playing with worms all the time. But I never really cared about putting them back where they belonged after I was finished giving them heart attacks.

   He's going to be a doctor. Or an extreme environmentalist. But never a good fisherman.

 

Accomplishment

  "Mom! I peed in the toilet! NOT in the tub!"
                       -Connor

Mean Mom; Part 7,348

    Sometimes as a parent I feel like I've lost hold of what little common sense I used to have. For example, if Maggie likes to play in the toilet, make sure the bathroom door is closed at all times. I've been pretty good about that one until yesterday, unfortunately. Especially unfortunate when the boys decided not to flush the toilet.... *shudder*
    I like to think I'm on top of most things. I like to pat myself on the back when we've successfully avoided disaster of any kind in one day. That doesn't happen a lot, to be truthful.
   But yesterday was a big mistake on my part.
   Cuz this happened. (I feel like I use that sentence quite a bit on this blog. Not a good sign.)

   

 

Maggie and I were happily minding our own business in the house while the boys played outside. I don't usually worry about them since we have a fence to keep them in. And they play outside every single day usually without incident.

But Max came inside at one point and said "Mom! Come see our beach!!"

Pretty sure my blood turned into lead and dropped with a thud to my feet. I knew it was bad. So I grabbed my camera for documentation and headed outside to assess the situation.

There they were. My boys, down to their skivvies, with the hose going full blast on the second tier of our backyard that Rob had just cleaned up the other day. And as I was inhaling a deep, deep breath so I could yell a few mommy-ish obscenities, (Holy granola bars!!! What the scuttlebutts happened here??) I heard some sniggering off to my right. The neighbors and their kids were all standing on their deck, enjoying the spectacle. I'm surprised they didn't have popcorn.

Oh how I despise living in the city.

So I swallowed my deep, deep breath and took pictures instead. I'm proud of myself for handling that moment with grace and dignity. *cough, cough*

 

Mudballs

 

 

                                          The rocks were their diving board.

 

                                                                sigh

 

                                        

 

I informed them that they were dead meat, and made them pick up all the toys in the yard. Then I took them in for a shower. But how do I discipline this situation? Really, it's partly my fault for not putting the hose away after telling them a hundred times NOT TO PLAY WITH THE HOSE. The common sense has obviously not been present.

    So I decided it would be best to have a long time out. It was almost time for Daddy to come home from work, so I told them to go sit in their beds until then. I was in the middle of making dinner, but I checked on them every few minutes to make sure they were staying in their beds.

About the third time I went in they were both dead asleep. I could not get them to wake up.

 

Well, that doesn't work. I couldn't let them sleep. They'd never go to sleep at bedtime and this was supposed to be punishment! So I decided it was a good time to vacuum. Starting in their bedroom of course.

 

Nothing.

 

They didn't even twitch.

 

So I got a pan and a wooden spoon and banged until they finally woke up.

 

Ok, I admit this was a little bit fun.

 

Have I mentioned what a mean mom I am?

 

Anyway, they stayed awake after that, until Daddy got home. But this is what they looked like that WHOLE TIME!!

 

               Max cracks me up. He literally sat like this for at least 10 minutes. Looking at me just like that. Every time I walked in to check on them he was just glaring at me.

 

Oh the joys of parenthood.

 

But the clouds looked like this, so it wasn't all bad.

 

 

 

Slugs and Snails and Puppy Dogs Tails

       The very back of the back yard is in need of some care. It's sad really. Rob got around to cleaning it up yesterday, and I don't have any before/after pictures for you. Sorry. I'm too embarrassed to post before pictures, and it's nowhere near done, so there are no after pictures to speak of. But lets just say it was bad enough a few days ago for us to not care when the boys did this...

      They were having so much fun! Little boys and dirt belong together. And I got to take these gorgeous pictures of Max.

   Look at those handsome green eyes.

  And they were kind enough to clean each other up before tracking in all that mud. I'm sure they didn't mind a bit.

 

Not a professional. Shouldn't have tried this at home.

   Remember that birthday cake I was planning? Remember how it was going to be amazing?

 Well. It didn't quite reach that level, in my opinion. I was very disappointed with my otherwise phenomenal cake-baking skills. (Yes, those were my eyes you sensed rolling, thank you)
 
  The cake itself was crumbly and fell apart in a few places, and frosting would NOT spread without taking chunks of cake along for the ride. The fondant was a disaster. There was no saving it. I planned this:

 

Cute, right?? And not difficult! I've done crazier stuff.

This is what happened.

 

 

I'm astonished. And ashamed.

 

But when my sweet Connor saw it he said , "WHOA!!" and giggled. So I guess he was happy and that's all that matters!